So I’m housesitting. The house has a beautiful living room with a huge window that overlooks the North Fork American. The view is beautiful (and haunting as mentioned above… but for whatever reason I am compelled to have it be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning). There’s a super comfortable couch that butts against that huge window and that’s where I’ve been sleeping. Outside the window is a large pool.
I like to sleep in awkward positions. I like to sleep in just my undies. I’m basking in the early morning sun that breaks between small clouds and radiates in the house. Small goose pimples dot my dry skin. A soft blanket barely covers my breasts (oooh! are we reading a porno??? fuck off hahaha) and the rest of me is entirely exposed save for my underwear (and mind you… these aren’t granny panties, they’re like a little more modest then a thong but still pretty small. And they are black. And they are silk. So.. basically… I’m just trying to say… I’m pretty much naked. Don’t take that the wrong way… that’s just the way it is). I’m sprawled out, relaxed, enjoying the solitude and the openness of the view. My eyes are closed and one leg rests high on the arms of the couch, one dangling to the floor, and my arms are clasped over my lower tummy.
Then I discover that they have a pool boy.
Yup. Pool boy got to see it all. So I’ve got a couple options… 1) I could scream and run… but I’m sure he’s expecting me to do that. So me being the fucking ridiculous rebel that I am, I decide I can’t do that. 2) I could cover up and wait for him to leave. 3) I could own it. Which one do I choose? Option 3. That’s right pool boy, this is me. You got a problem? COME AT ME BRO. Yeah… that’s right… you hide your face… you’re more embarrassed than I am… wait a minute… I’m 80% naked in front of a stranger sitting spread eagle on a couch… GOD I MUST LOOK LIKE A WHORE. Engage Option 1. Execution: failed; trip and fall. Engage Option 4: play dead. The goddamn tiny dogs jump on my body and bark, attracting more attention to me. Yup. At this point, I’m just going to roll on the floor and laugh. Awesome start to my day. I mean that entirely.
OH FUCK ME. I’m writing this in my underwear and now there’s yard workers here. WHAT THE HELL?!?!? HAHAHA! Oh my God I love my life. I swear, God just sits up there laughing with the angels “hey, you see that girl? She’s fucking crazy. Watch this. I could throw her off a cliff and she’d stand up laughing to be alive. I could try to break her, got pretty close not too long ago, but look at that, she’s unbreakable. Let’s put a Mexican with a leaf blower out the window… it’ll be HILARIOUS.”
Also, owls: I love them. I will own owls some day, along with ravens and peacock pheasants and I will be more terrifying than any crazy cat lady… I’ll be that crazy hag with the murder of crows and swarm of owls and bizarre screaming animals atop a lonely hill. hahaha