A collection of thoughts from the day in no particular order, involving no particular subject:
The second you sit to take a piss in a bathroom with no windows is the second the power goes out.
I’m always the one to find the bread that’s so moldy it’s beginning to develop its own civilization.
What would happen if we, as a country, boycotted forks?! What madness would ensue? We could never eat soup! (And then I thought about it…)
My phone insists that it autocorrects “totally” to “tits.” I’m now the most agreeable person you know.
If you work with black paint and get it all over your hands, don’t sneeze and freak the fuck out when you look at your hand. You don’t have the Black Plague.
That moment you realize you were wrong and your boss was right is the second worst feeling in the world. And to add insult to injury, you have to admit error; your job is on the line.
How the fuck do the people that make that cranberry paste expect you to get it out of the can? I just beat the hell out of it, stabbed it, prayed to Allah and had zero results. … so I ate it with my hands.
It’s fun to argue who’s skankier. It’s hilarious when you’re arguing who’s the bigger skank with a guy.