How to win at life:
1. The level of fun is directly proportional to the likelihood of disaster.
1a.) This law can be described by the equation F = Dx + SL; where F is fun, D is severity of disaster where 1 represents a paper cut and 10 represents a decapitation, x is a factor less than 1 that represents the percent chance of disaster, and SL is the “stoke level” that can range from a smile factor of 1 and a peeing with excitement factor of 10. An example would be rafting Chamberlain Falls for the first time. F = (7)(.5) + 10; thus, the level of fun is at 13.5. The highest level of fun is level 20 and can described as flying on bears with chainsaw arms in space while swimming with disco whales.
2. Scars are tattoos for the brave and should be worn with pride. Limps are dance moves of the daring.
3. I never said I was logical.
4. Brag about your testicles, even if you’re female.
5. Leaders yell loudest.
6. Lung potentially protruding through ribs? Screw it, I’m going kayaking.
7. Flirt with danger and fuck with disaster. Worst case scenario: your illegitimate disaster children will give Chuck Norris a run for his money.
8. Successful stories require all numerical values to be exaggerated by a factor of 5 or 100.
9. Maintain a healthy skepticism.
10. Don’t eat others’ dust… forcefully feed others YOUR dust.
11. Be careful what you say. “Erotic” and “erratic” are only one vowel sound different and will drastically change the meaning of what you’re trying to say. Furthermore, “acoustic” and “autistic,” while they sound vaguely similar, and read even more similarly, have two entirely different meanings. There is no such thing as an acoustic boy, and his father was NOT a guitar.
13. Horrible experience? It was totally worth it if it makes a good story.
14. Just add zombies and suddenly everything seems more interesting. This is called the “JAZ Theorem.”
15. Trust the Captain… always. Captain Courtney, also known as “Captain Boobs n’ Buns,” also-also known as “Kayak Jesus.”
16. When in doubt, make dinosaur noises.
17. We’re all just shit stains on the Shorts of Life.
18. Irony is choking on a cough drop.
19. Always take the stairs seriously.
20. Do. Not. Eat. Glowsticks.
21. Give money to the homeless. They may buy food or clothing: wonderful. They may buy booze or drugs: it’ll kill ’em off faster.
23. Take it from behind.
23a.) No exceptions.
23b.) Take it on the river.
24. Everything makes you look like a whore.
25. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
26. THIS IS NOT A STICK SHIFT.
27. In case of aserious shit, use the knife.
28. Poke it with a stick; kill it with fire.
29. You know something exciting happened if the only thing you can remember is the sound your skull made when it hit the ice.
30. Portages freakin blow.
31a.) Just charge it.
32. I’m number one. You’re number none.