Hostel Etiquette 101

Don’t be that guy that arrives, immediately grabs the guitar within five minutes of arriving, and plays the only five chords he knows in the middle of the formerly quaint social area while you flip your hair dramatically. Social guitar moments are earned, not given. Also, if the only song you know is the chorus to Tenacious D’s Tribute, then please eat a bag of dicks and choke on the last one, you pretentious hipster. And for the love of God, don’t sing hymns… how is that even an issue?

Don’t be that guy that eats my Pringles. I will cut you.

Don’t be that guy that asks for a shot when I don’t even know you. F*ck you.

Don’t be that guy that flips out at hostel staff when they’re covered in soap from cleaning and politely inform you that breakfast is closed, but your clock says there’s still seven minutes left. Don’t you dare be that guy that demands hostel staff cook for you because your clock says there’s still seven minutes… I will quickly put you in your place.

Don’t be that guy that likes to think he’s some sort of cultural ambassador when you’re actually a giant, disembodied dick. If an intro to a cultural experience even remotely begins with putting down another culture, you’re not an ambassador, you’re just an asshole.

Don’t be that guy that uses up the toilet paper and doesn’t tell hostel staff.

Don’t be that guy that’s actually a swamp monster and turns the restroom into a marshland habitat after a shower. Riparian habitats have their place: hostels are not one of them.

Don’t be that guy that leaves a used condom behind. Glad you got some, but for Christ’s sake clean it up.

Don’t be that guy that has zero control of his penis and pees on everything in the restroom. I mean seriously, what the hell? There is zero justification for this… unless you have a fatal seizure while pissing.

Don’t be that guy that thinks a hostel is a hotel. It’s a hostel. HOSTEL.

Don’t be that guy that leaves dishes. I don’t know who you are, but I will find you. And I will kill you.

Don’t be that guy that asks everyone for a smoke with zero intent on not paying it forward.

Don’t be that guy that immediately asks where the free food is, unless you just completed something extraordinary that warrants immediate caloric intake. News Flash, buddy, chances are we’re all on a budget and would love free food: you’re not special.

Don’t be that guy that brings a group of people and expects the hostel to cater to you like you’re something special because you brought sooo much business. You should have gone to a hotel (see above). Not to mention, your massive group is a social plague to hostels. Go away.

Don’t be that guy that arrives super late unless arranged with the hostel staff. Guess what, the staff are human too and need to rest.

Don’t be that guy that brings a baby to a hostel. Even if it’s advertised as “kid friendly,” why would you even consider a hostel? There’s so much going on, there’s so many people, you can’t control everyone or everything it’s just not a good environment for a young kid. Your kid is gonna cry all night long and piss everyone off, all because you couldn’t accept that you had kids and can’t accept making responsible decisions, like deciding to spend a bit extra money on a private room in a hotel. You seriously suck at being a parent.

Don’t be that creepy guy at the hostel. Just don’t… loser.

Don’t be that guy that asks to borrow everyone’s stuff all the time. We get it, things happen, you have no idea what you’re doing, blah blah blah… people want to help you in those moments, and sometimes you’re put in a situation where you can’t help but borrow things. But don’t get comfortable doing it. Always be polite. Always ask, even if the answer is always “yes, you can use it.”

Don’t be that guy that’s actually a human parasite. You’ll burn your bridges quickly, and end up sad and alone. Respect gets respect, and good people go much, much farther.

Don’t be that guy that uses the hand soap in the bathroom for you showering needs. Honestly, you are so lame if you do this (unless you just ran out of supplies and there’s only a day or two left of traveling, that’s different). News flash: some hostels don’t actually put hand soap in the dispenser, it’s dish soap because it’s cheaper. I like play “whose hair is completely stripped of all natural oils, who’s the loser? Ah, the scent of Dawn.”

Don’t be that guy who’s so pampered and helpless that you go full White Girls Can’t Even mode immediately upon realizing what a hostel entails. If you require daily long showers, comfy beds, blah blah blah… go home. And grow some balls/ovaries.

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